Breaking the Silence-What do you say?

Everyone processes loss differently. No two people will ever grieve the same way. One thing is true, loss SUCKS!

Losing a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, or really anytime is not talked about enough. I think this is because it’s so unimaginable. Children should not pass before their parents. A child should not die in the mother’s womb, where ithey’re supposed to be completely protected.

I know some people don’t think a baby is a baby until it’s born. I challenge them to say that after they’ve seen or held their stillborn child, perfectly formed weighing only one pound. All lives really do matter.

You may not know what to say or do for a grieving mother. I know I didn’t when one of my close friends lost her baby the same week she was due. Since losing Jay, I’ve learned a few things that are helpful; at least to me they were.

Ask a mother who is full of sorrow how she’s doing. I believe one of three things may happen. She will politely give you a fake smile and lie, saying she’s fine. It may be too soon to talk about what happened and she needs more time. She will say ” I don’t know” and burst in to tears. Her emotions may be going haywire and she doesn’t know how or what to feel. She might say horrible and tell you how she’s feeling. LISTEN! I know for me personally sharing my experience has helped in my healing tremendously.

Don’t ask just once. Ask daily, weekly, monthly, yearly. Her feelings will change constantly. One day she will be okay and the next she can’t go on living anymore. Don’t be pushy but don’t stop asking. It’s been almost 3 years since I lost Jay and I think about him every single day.

If you are unsure of what to say, just say “I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t know what to say.” It’s that simple. Just acknowledging the loss is powerful in its self.

Say their child’s name, acknowledge that they existed. It fills my heart with joy to hear Jay’s name being said by someone else. The thought that someone else remembers him besides me is priceless. I promise you won’t “remind” them of their loss, they remember everyday.

If you are still unsure of what to say or just feel uneasy, send a gift or card letting them know you are thinking about them. Check out Thoughtful Gift Ideas for a Grieving Mother to give you ideas of what to send.

Although you may not know what to say, there are some things that you should not say. If anyone every said these things to me know that I understand your intention was not to hurt or upset me, you merely didn’t know what to say. No one ever really does.

Don’t tell the grieving mother that their baby is in a better place. Those that believe in heaven, understand that being with God is the ultimate gift. A mother full of sorrow is still trying to process everything and believes that there is no better place for their baby than in their arms.

Also, refrain from saying at least you know you can get pregnant, you can just try again. This is not comforting at all. Saying that just makes me feel that the baby I lost did not matter. They do matter! They did matter! No baby will every replace the one you lose.

When you say everything happens for a reason, it does not help at all in the healing process. After losing Jay, I was challenged to believe that everything happens for a reason. I have always thought God planned my life long before I was born. Psalms 139 tells me this. I, however, do not understand the reason and never will.