The weeks that followed
I don’t remember much from the first few weeks after I delivered Jay. Certain things stuck with me but as far as details and specific timing of some things, they’re very hazy. I remember being confused, angry, mad, and in denial.
I find comfort in words. I started looking for quotes, songs, and books to read. First, I started searching Google to find words of encouragement, happiness, motivation; something to tell me it’s ok. I created a separate blog with all of the quotes, poems, and scriptures that I found during my search. I looked at them often and tried saying them to myself constantly.
I then started looking for songs that dealt with the loss of a child. This is when I started to notice that losing a child after 12 weeks of pregnancy is “normal”, meaning it occurs pretty often. Before this, I thought you were out of “the danger zone” once you hit 12 weeks. I thought it was rare to lose a child at 6 months pregnant. At the time I had only known of one other friend who lost a child at 39 weeks, unfathomable!
I put together a playlist and played the songs over and over for weeks. Although the songs were sad, they helped me in moving through this difficult time. Here’s my playlist that I still listen to from time to time, it brings back so many raw emotions. I hope some of these songs help you too!
Gone too Soon by Daughtry
I Will Carry you by Selah
See You in a Little While by Steven Curtis Chapman
Fly by Celine Dion
Hug Him Once for Me
Precious Child by Karen Taylor Good
You Will Never Be Forgotten by Jessica Andrews
A New Day Has Come by Celine Dion
You Raise Me Up by Josh Groban
Still by Gerrit Hofsink
Heaven Got Another Angel by Gordon Gardner
Thy Will by Hillary Scott & the Scott Family
I then started searching for books to read. It was very difficult to find books that dealt with my situation, losing a child at 24 weeks with no explanation. The few I did find, I ordered them all. They were all good to read and each one helped me deal with certain emotions through the stories that were shared.
Here is a list of the books I purchased and read.
Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg
I’ll Hold You in Heaven: Healing and Hope for the Parent Who has Lost a Child through Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Abortion or Early Infant Death by Jack W. Hayford
Empty Arms: Coping With Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Death by Sherokee Isle
Empty Arms: Hope and Support for Those Who Have Suffered a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Tubal Pregnancy by Pam Vredevelt
Naming the Child: Hope-Filled Reflections on Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Death by Jenny Schroedel
The quotes, songs, and books were a key part in starting my healing process, but we have a huge support system of wonderful friends and family that were a major part in this journey of our life!
I had friends call and text to offer condolences. I had friends send cards and plants with their sincerest sympathy.
A wonderful friend of mine came over and sat with me one morning and let me share all of my feelings and emotions with her. I bawled most of the time! She brought comfort food over, which was so thoughtful. I hope she knows how meaningful and special that conversation and time with her was.
My best friend stayed the night with me in the hospital, so my husband could be with our daughter. She is my saving grace in more ways than I can count!
Another one of my besties contacted me almost daily with inspirational scripture, quotes, and helpful small talk.
My good friend who lost her baby at 39 weeks a few years before was so helpful. She knew just what to say and how bad it sucked that we now shared this horrible experience together. When my milk came in a few days after I got home, she gave me tips on drying it up quickly so that I would not have to deal with it that long. Using peppermint oil and cabbage really worked for me. It really sucked having my milk come in, but no child to feed it to! It was just another slap in the face.
There were daily reminders that Jay was no longer there. How do you wrap your brain around the fact that you were just pregnant with a child that will not be joining you on this Earth? How do you comprehend the unimaginable? In all honesty, I still don’t know the answer to that. I do know that it takes time, lots of time. I do know that I am still healing and can now assume that I probably always will be in the healing process. There is no right or wrong answer. You have to find your new normal and adjust.
