Returning to Work After a Loss

When I lost Jay, I took three weeks off from work.  I didn’t know how to cope with the loss, much less return to the classroom and teach.  

Everyone at school was so supportive.  They brought food over everyday, sent cards, and messages with their condolences.  

My Assistant Principal contacted me about sending out a letter to the parents regarding my loss.  The parents and students all knew I was pregnant, although I had just started in a new school district.  I met them all at Meet the Teacher night, very big and 21 weeks pregnant.  I do not know what the letter said, but it was sent out to all of the parents of my students.  I know it told them briefly what had happened and that they should talk to their child about my loss how they saw fit.  They asked that the parents or the students not discuss my loss when I returned.  

The staff was also told what happened and was told not to discuss things with me.  This decision was made by my principal, assistant principal, and myself.  I didn’t know what to say or how to cope with others talking to me, especially in a setting with so many adults and children.  

In hindsight, I should have said it was fine to talk to me about my loss.  I’ve since then found that talking and sharing have helped me heal far more than staying silent.  Sharing with others is something that helps to get all of the emotions out and helps in moving through the grieving process.  

When I did decide to return after three weeks, everyone was wonderful, but no one spoke of Jay.  People would pass me in the hall and barely make eye contact, not really knowing what to say.  Some gave me hugs and just smiled.  A few actually asked me how I was doing and talked to me.  

It took me starting to talk about him to have others begin to ask questions and mention his name.  Through my loss, I became friends with some wonderful teachers whom I really hadn’t know when the year started.  Several teachers shared the loss of their unborn children and one shared the loss of her son at too early of an age.  

On the day of my return, my students were so happy to see me.  They smiled and gave me big hugs, which definitely helped.  A few of them offered their condolences and said they were sorry that I had lost my baby.  I cried a many times that first day back, but it was OK. 

I had a wonderful person to confide in, my teaching partner right next door.  She constantly checked on me and gave me hugs.  She wanted to make sure I was OK.  She was so thoughtful and helpful in those first few months, even though she always told me she didn’t know what to say.  When I was upset by something someone would say or that a student would say, she was the first person I turned to.  

No one was ever mean on purpose.  

One student, who was always talking about God, told me he was praying for me and my son that I lost.  He knew my son was in heaven with God.  He was so sweet and sincere in his comments, but it was really hard hearing them from him.  This was something I knew I should talk about, but most definitely not with my 10 year old students. 

I was just living in the moment, everything was such a blur.  Returning to work after a loss is so tough.  You never know what people will say or do.  A support system is definitely a must.  Talking with people that are understanding is so helpful.  Let others in that want to help and understand that some people really don’t know what to say, although what they do say may be hurtful.  It’s not on purpose.

I do know that there are people out there that are cruel and inconsiderate.  Those people don’t deserve your time or tears.  Fortunately, I have not dealt with those people, I have been lucky to have a wonderful support system and I hope you do too!