I am 1 in 4

The term 1 in 4 hits so close to home for me.  1 in 4 women will have a miscarriage and 1 in 160 will birth a stillborn child.  Stillbirths are not common but are not rare.   They happen more often than you think they do.

At the time I was pregnant with Jay, 3 of my best friends were also pregnant. We talked about what life would be like with our children being within 7 months of each other. We were excited that we would have children that would be so close in age to each other and grow up together.  I was the 1 of the 4 of us who lost her child. I was the 1 who would be without.

My first friend had her baby in May, 7 months before I was due with Jay. I was pregnant with Jay when her son was born.  His birth did not affect me too much because he was born while I was still pregnant. Maybe I was not affected as much because he was born so far before Jay’s due date.  I watched him for a week when he was only a few weeks old, while my best friend was in a training. My daughter practiced being a big sister with him.

My second friend had her son just days after I lost Jay.  Her husband knew I had lost Jay, but our husband’s thought it would be best not to tell her because she was so close to delivering her son. As far as I know, her husband waited to tell her until after she got home with their son.   It was difficult being excited for a friend having her son, when I’d just lost mine.

The birth of my third friends daughter affected me the most and still does.  Her daughter was born at the beginning of November, so close to Jay’s Christmas due date. I did not meet her daughter until a month later. It was so hard for me to be there for her and be happy for her, when she had her child and I didn’t have mine. She was also one of my good friends who sent me encouraging quotes daily and was in touch with me often offering her condolences, thoughts, and prayers. I felt extremely guilty that she was such a good friend to me but I could not and still am not a good friend to her at all.  

I remember meeting her daughter at our annual ugly sweater Christmas party.  Her daughter was only a month old and although it’s always been an adults only party, she would either miss the party to be home with kids or come and bring her newborn. Of course, she brought her because everyone wanted to see her and her new bundle of joy. I remember walking over to her and asking if I could hold her. She was happy for me to.  As I held her daughter, I cried uncontrollable. She cried with me, as we both hugged her daughter. The tears wouldn’t stop. Nothing was said, but I felt that she understood and so did our other friends that were standing around.

It has been difficult to carry on our friendship. It is nothing that she’s doing, it’s me. It’s so hard to be around her and see her daughter, but it’s also great to be around her.  I remember and think of Jay everyday. When I see my friends daughter I try to see the positive. I get to see what things Jay might be doing if he were here, but I think about things that Jay is not doing because he is not here.  

It’s so hard to explain, and will be a feeling I have for the rest of my life.  I lost a child, that will never change. My friends had their children, that will never change.  I am happy for them, but it is so hard to be without my son around them.

Grief is so hard and effects you in so many ways!  You never know when you will become upset or what will trigger your emotions.  You go through every emotion imaginable all in one day, in one moment. It sucks!