Finding out about losing Jay

The day we found out we lost Jay was one of the worst days of my life.  I was in complete denial and thought is was all a bad dream that I would soon wake up from. 

Two weeks before, I had come home from work exhausted, after all I was 22 weeks pregnant and a teacher at the beginning of the school year.  It was the first week of school for students, but my third week in a new school district. I didn’t know many people, which I think made things a little bit more difficult.  I laid down on the couch to rest and Baby J started moving around like crazy. (We called Jay Baby J up until this point. We knew his name would start with a J but had not decided on a name yet.)  My body had finally relaxed for the day but he was ready to move and wiggle. I laid there enjoying the movement because I had just started to feel him move a few weeks before. I gain quite a bit of weight while pregnant, so it makes it harder to feel the movement early on.  All of a sudden Jay went crazy. He started moving and kicking faster than I had ever felt. This went on for about a minute, then suddenly stopped. That was the last time I would feel him move.

I was not too worried at first.  Since I had just started feeling Baby J move I assumed he flipped into a position and I just couldn’t feel his movement.  About 3 days went by with no movement so I started using all the tricks you read about on the internet. Lay on this side, drink orange juice, have caffeine, play music; nothing worked.  

I’m a huge worrier so I didn’t mention anything to my husband because I didn’t want to cause unnecessary concern.  I just brushed it off each day and said the next day I will start feeling him. I thought, “When I go to my next appointment, I will get to see him on the ultrasound and hear his little heart beat.”

Finally, Tuesday came and I just couldn’t stand it anymore.  I decided to call my doctor’s office and let them know what was going on.  The receptionist told me to go straight to the emergency room. I freaked out when she said that.  I asked if there was any way I could come in to their office. She said my doctor was not there at the moment.  When I hung up I sat in my classroom and just bawled. A few minutes later the receptionist called me back and said the other doctor in the practice, my previous doctor, told me to come in and they would do an ultrasound.  

I then had to tell my team what was going on and why I was leaving.  I couldn’t hold in the uneasiness anymore and started crying again.  One of the girls suggested I go see the nurse before I head to my appointment, since she used to work in an OBGYN’s office.  She gave me some orange juice and had me lye down. She called one of the EMS workers at the fire station asking if they had a fetal doppler.  They did not but came to the school anyways to check on me. They came in to the nurses office where I was lying down and did a check up and tried finding the heartbeat with the stethoscope, but couldn’t pick up much.  They reassured me that them not hearing anything did not mean anything and said to just head to my doctor and see what they say.

I told my principal that I would need to leave and why.  She would not let me leave without sending someone with me.  My husband was working two hours away with a  job he had just started.  One of the girls I hardly knew came with me.

On the way to the doctor’s office our conversations kept my mind from wandering and helped me to be somewhat at ease.  We walked in to the office and I checked in. We sat down and continued to talk some more. My coworker will never know how much that meant to me, that she drove with me to my doctor and sat in the waiting room with me.

They called me back and I became very anxious.  I went into the sonogram room and laid down on the table.  The ultrasound tech asked me what was going on and started looking.  You could see Baby J on the monitor but I could tell something was wrong.  He looked so still. I still thought I would hear his heartbeat any second, but I didn’t.  I asked the ultrasound tech what she was seeing. With a very sad voice she said, “I’m so sorry but there is no heartbeat.”  I was hysterical. I thought it was a bad dream. This couldn’t be happening to me.