Why me?
Have you ever found yourself asking, “Why me?”
I have a million times since losing Jay! It’s hard to make sense of the fact that God would allow you to become pregnant with a baby, but then take it away.
I believe I am a good Christian. I believe in God. I believe that many who have gone before me are watching over me in heaven and taking care of my sweet Jay. I can see my grandmother rocking him to sleep and telling him all about the camping trips she took us on! I can see Sadie running around, playing with Jay. I see my grandpa teaching Jay how to fish.
I have struggled with my faith in the last few years though. I’ll be honest! It’s hard to trust someone that you don’t see. It’s hard to trust someone that allows tragic things to happen. It’s difficult to know the answers to questions. We, as humans, fear the unknown (or at least I do).
One verse from the bible has truly helped me put doubt away and trust in the unknown, to trust in God always. God does have a plan, but I have learned that I may never understand his plan or may struggle to accept the plan. His plan is not to harm me, but grow me in to a wonderful friend, mother, wife, daughter….
Psalms 139
I’ve read this many times since September 2, 2015. I’ve read it over and over because I felt called to so! I read it over and over because it spoke to me. I realized that, as Psalms 139:16 says, my life was planned before I was born. The loss of Jay was part of my life. I didn’t know it would happen, nor do I understand. All I have to understand is that his loss is part of my life and was part of my life before I was formed in my mother’s womb.
I’ll be honest, this alone does not bring healing and comfort to me. It has taken a long time to realize that there was nothing I could do about Jay’s loss. I’ve always felt that I did something wrong, but I know I didn’t.
It never helped hearing people say that Jay’s loss was meant to be, was part of God’s plan, or I can’t control the loss.
I know all of these things, far too well!
These are words you should never speak to someone who has lost someone special and close to them.
These are all things I needed to realize on my own and find meaning to for my self.
Now that I’ve started a blog in Jay’s honor, it’s helped me to see that I can bring more healing to myself and others. I’m still absolutely heart broken that I lost Jay. I can choose to remain silent and let his name not be mentioned by anyone; or I can choose to write about him and the effect he’s had on my life.
I choose to honor Jay and help others who have lost their babies. I think it is something cruel that we have to go through in this world, but I choose to find the good in the bad.
I could choose to stay mad and negative and let hate build up in me. I could choose to push others away that say insensitive and hurtful things to me about losing Jay. Their purpose is never to be mean, but some people don’t know the right words to say.
I choose to be positive and share Jay’s short life. I choose to share the effect of Jay on my life. It’s not always pleasant, but it’s a choice that I’ve chosen.
